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Last Stall On The Left/Transcript
Back to "Last Stall on the Left" NINJA THEME SONG - FULL VERSION Scene 1. Mr. Bannister's classroom. Mr. Bannister: Welcome, freshmen. I'm sure you're bummed to be back in school. Well, so am I! Five hundred words: what you did on your summer vacation! (hitting the desk) Randy: Name: Randy Cunningham. Grade: Nine. Title: What I Did On My Summer… Howard: Cunningham! Let me copy off ya. Randy: Howard, we can't turn in the exact same essay! Howard: But we had the exact same summer! (He is struck by Mr. Bannister's shoe.) Mr. Bannister: No talking! Howard: Ohhhh… Randy (voice-over): Well… not the exact same. I mean, it started out the same. (Flashing back to summer break. Randy's room.) Randy (voice-over): Then a week ago, something epic happened! Video Game Announcer: Congratulations. You have punched all the graves. Randy (voice-over): Then something epic-er happened! Randy: The NinjaNomicon… eh. You are the Ninja. Oh, my swee-heet! I have to tell Howard! (reading the accompanying note) 'You can't tell anyone.' Aw, that's wonk! Randy (voice-over): Listen, I don't know how it works, but the Ninja suit is the straight-up cheese. It lets me do things I could never, ever do. Randy as The Ninja (giving martial-arts shouts while destroying objects in his room):''' Hah… huh… haaaaa-YAH! Ha-hahh! Hah, haha hah! '''Randy (voice-over): I am Randy Cunningham. I am the Ninja! … It's pretty much the coolest thing ever! (Flashing forward to Bannister's class) Only problem is, I can't tell anyone – not even my best friend! (Howard hums.) Mr. Bannister: Pencils down! Randy (voice-over):' '''And now I'm realizing, this probably wasn't the best topic for my essay! (''tearing up his paper) Mr. Bannister: What's this supposed to be? Randy: Uh, my commentary on the fleeting nature of summer? Mr. Bannister: Mmm… excellent use of metaphor! Randy: Aced it! Mr. Bannister: I'll give you a B. Randy: B-ced it! Scene 2. The hallway. Bucky: '''Go away, Bash! I don't want a wedgie! '''Bash: I already gave you a wedgie! I just wanna give you your change! Howard: Can we talk about this Ninja situation? Randy: Uh, Ninja situation – there is no Ninja situation! (In the background behind the following, Bucky is uttering cries of distress, as Bash chases him, repeatedly shouting, "Come on!") Howard: Exactly! The 'No Ninja' situation! We've been in Norrisville High for two days, and we haven't seen this guy once! Randy: I think he has to wait for, like, a monster… or a robot to attack. Howard: Why aren't you madder about this? We are his number one fans! Randy: I mean, it's not like he can just smoke bomb on by for a meet 'n' greet. Or…can he? Scene 3. McFist Industries. The Sorcerer: You assured me you would destroy the Ninja! Hannibal McFist: But I haven't seen him all summer! Have you seen him, Viceroy? Viceroy: I'' haven't seen him! Then again, he ''is a ninja, so stealth is kinda his dealio. McFist: We have a plan. The second he pokes his little Ninja head out of his little Ninja hidey-hole, bam! Destroyed! The Sorcerer (growling):' Do – Not – Fail – Me! (''The Sorcerer vanishes. McFist's office phone rings, and Viceroy and Hannibal yelp.) '''Female Receptionist (on the phone):' Mr. McFist, your wife is on the line. '''McFist '(struggling to pick up the phone, eventually doing so, taking a deep breath):' Hey, Sugar Face! I'm a teensy bit busy here! Of course! I'll meet you there, Honey Cakes! (''grunting repeatedly, as he slams down the phone's receiver) Yeh! Yeh Yeh Yeh! Yeh! How am I supposed to run an evil empire, when my stepson keeps getting in trouble at school? Viceroy: Kids… McFist: Just get down to your lab and build me something deadly – something dangerous – something with a cup holder! (His robot arm smashes his coffee cup, splattering him with coffee.) You know what? Forget the cup holder. Just make it deadly. Viceroy (crossing "cupholder" off a checklist):''' Mm-hm… ''Scene 4. The cafeteria.'' '''Howard (humming as he finishes his food, and looking greedily at Randy's, then saying rather quietly):''' Cunningham, I know you're in the can, but if you don't want me to eat your tater lumps, just say so! '''Randy'' (as'' The Ninja):' Smoke bomb! Hello, students! 'T is I, the Ninjaaaaaaaaaaaa! (The students shout acclaims.) Howard: Yes! Finally! Nin-ja! (yelling to the bathroom) Hey, cork it, Cunningham, the Ninja just showed up! ''Scene 5. Slimovitz's office. '' Slimovitz (to Hannibal, Marcy, and Bash, while typing at his laptop):''' In these two days of school alone, Bash has given sixty-six wedgies, thirty-two swirlies, and a Chattanooga Gravy Bowl. '''McFist (bored):' Is that even a real thing? (''Slimovitz shows Hannibal and Marcy his laptop, causing both to shriek in shock.) '''Marcy: Potatoes…? Bash (exulting):''' Oh, yeah! '''Marcy: Oh, Principal Slimovitz, I just don't believe my little Bashford would ever do anything like that! Bash: Yeah, Ma, he's framin' me! (He points at Slimovitz, revealing Bucky's underwear dangling from his wrist. He grunts as he notices and as he quickly hides it.) Nameless Girl with Big Eyelashes (as she and several other students run past Slimovitz's office):' The Ninja's in the Cafeteria! (''The students shout excitedly and variously, "Stay and wait until I get there," etc.) '''Slimovitz: Oooh, the Ninja! (To Hannibal and Marcy) What say we take a fiver? (He runs out of the office.) Bash (also running out of the office):' I'm excaping! [''sic] '''Marcy (to Hannibal):''' Oh, go on! If you don't destroy the Ninja now, it's all you'll talk about on the ride home. '''McFist (shouting happily at Marcy):' You know what? YOU'RE THE BEST! (''kissing her heartily) Mmm-WAHH! ''Scene 6. Cutting rapidly back and forth between Viceroy at McFist Industries and Hannibal McFist in the school hallway outside the Cafeteria, where the Ninja is holding forth. (Viceroy's cellphone rings. Viceroy sighs.) Viceroy: McFist Industries, evil genius Viceroy speakin'… McFist: The Ninja's at the school right now! Release the… the thing! Viceroy (annoyed):''' His name is "Krackenstein." '''McFist: Release the Krackenstein! (Students glare at him.) Ooh… (Viceroy shocks the Krackenstein to life, cackling.) Viceroy (to Krackenstein, dramatically):' Go forth, my Krackenstein, and destroy the Ninja! (''Krackenstein roars.) '''Viceroy (much more conversationally):' Well, he's about yea-high, red scarf, black suit – mm, or maybe it's navy blue… (''Krackenstein roars, and bursts out through several walls.) '''Viceroy (musingly):' No, you're right — it – it ''is black. Heheh, you never wear red with navy blue. ''Scene 7. The cafeteria.'' Randy as '''The Ninja (declaiming):' Now, as a ninja, I must be prepared at any moment to do THIS – (''punching the air) – and THIS – (kicking the air) – and how could I forget THIS? (kicking, and landing in a pose) Well, you've been great, everybody! See you next time! Remember to tip those lunch ladies! SMOKE BO– '''Howard (grabbing the Ninja's leg and begging):''' No, wait, Ninja! My buddy and I have been dying to meet you since we were kids! Please, just, hang on, until he gets back? '''Ninja (touched):' Aw, that's really cool of you. (''heroically) But I can't! I must go! (Krackenstein bursts in through the wall of the cafeteria, roaring. The students scream.) '''McFist: Yes! Destroy! DESTROY! (Krackenstein continues roaring as the students scream.) Ninja: Oh, my first monster fight! So honkin' cool! Ninja Flip! (landing in front of Krackenstein and addressing him) Monster, get ready to get – (Krackenstein punches him through a wall.) – ooooaaaahhhhhh… Howard: Eyysshhhh… (pulling out his cellphone and typing into it) "Cunningham, get back here. The Ninja's totally getting p'wnd." Scene 8. The hallway and stairwell. (Randy's cellphone rings for Howard's text.) Ninja (reading the text):' I wouldn't say I'm "getting p'wnd." (''Krackenstein bursts through the hole in the wall, roaring.) '''Ninja (leaping up with a cry):' Haaaaaaaaaaaaa! (''Delivering a flying kick to Krackenstein, who collapses with a grunt, then rises, growling, and turns on the Ninja) Uh-oh. (Krackenstein punches him down the stairs to the basement.) Ohhhhhhaaaaohhhhhh! (Crying out as he thuds on various stairs on the way down, driving away a squeaking rat) Aaa! Ah-hnnn! A-hohh! What? A-hah! Hohhhhh! Oh, man, I am getting p'wnd. (Krackenstein bursts through the wall at the head of the stairs.) Ninja Sprint! (Sprinting into the bathroom as Krackenstein lands at the bottom of the stairs with a growl) ''Scene 9. The basement bathroom.'' (Krackenstein bursts in through the wall of the bathroom, then methodically punches open four stalls, revealing the Ninja in the LAST STALL ON THE LEFT.) '''Ninja (weakly defensive):' I wasn't hiding from you – if that's what you think. (''Krackenstein roars into the stall, slamming its door behind him. The sounds of shattering plumbing, pounding, and cries of distress, including a high, girlish shriek come from the stall. There is a clang of metal as a lead pipe is flung from the stall and hits the tile floor.) '''Ninja (emerging from the stall with a grunt):' Uhn. (''The class bell rings.) Now what? (Seizing the lead pipe, and thrusting it into the handles of the stall holding Krackenstein and the stall adjoining, as Krackenstein roars hollowly within.) ''Scene 10. A classroom.'' '''Randy (skidding into the classroom):' Whaaaaa…! (''Hitting the wall with a thud and the sound of falling books) '''Howard (indignantly, as Randy climbs panting into his seat):''' Where have you been? We were supposed to meet the Ninja together! Man, but between you and me, he was kiiind of stankin' it up out there. '''Randy: Come on, Howard! I–ah, the Ninja was trying his best, okay? It's not like there are instructions for being the Ninja! (realizing) The instructions! (loudly and stiltedly, to the teacher) I NEED – TO USE – THE BATHROOM! Scene 11. A suburban street. Randy's Neighbor (as Randy goes by on his bicycle, huffing and puffing):''' Heyah, Randy! ''Scene 12. Randy's room.'' '''Randy (still huffing and puffing and flinging books aside):' The NinjaNomicon! Come on, baby; drop some secret ninja knowledge on me. (''There are various whooshing sounds as Randy is sucked inside the Nomicon.) Arwoooh! ''Scene 13. The Nomicon.'' '''Randy (grunting as he crashes into the "wall" inside the Nomicon, and hitting the "ground" with a thud):' Uahhhnnn! ... (''Reading the lesson from the Nomicon) 'Believe in the weapon that is in the suit?' S' what's in the suit? I'M in the suit. I'M the weapon! I just have to believe in me! Boom! (There is a further whoosh as he exits the Nomicon.) ''Scene 14. A suburban street.'' '''Randy's Neighbor (as Randy goes by on his bicycle, huffing and puffing and ringing his bicycle bell):''' See ya, Randy! Break ''Scene 15. The hallway.'' '''Randy (grunting as Howard trips him as he comes charging into the hall and grunting as he hits the ground thereafter):''' Hwah! Whah... oh hai... '''Howard: Hey, perfect, you're back! I got some great news. Randy: Sorry, Howard, but I have to, um... Howard: No! No! You are going to stick around for this. (as other students converse indistinctly while walking past in the background) Yeah, turns out the Ninja couldn't beat that monster, so he just locked it in a basement stall...so I'' let it out. '''Randy:' You did WHAT? Howard: T'yeah. Now the Ninja's gotta come back, and we can see him in action, together. (There is a crash, as the front half of Principal Slimovitz's car is hurled through the wall, revealing Krackenstein roaring as he rampages outside.) You wanna pay me now, or later (trailing off) I'dunno how we should do this... Scene 16. Outside the school. McFist (bursting out through the exit doors):' Where the heck is "What's-His-Crack?" (''as Krackenstein roars and flings the back half of Slimovitz's car away) There he is! '''Slimovitz: MY CAR! Howard (as debris crashes into the ground in front of him and Randy):' Ninja action, courtesy of ''moi. Who's the best friend ever? (leaping up to do a chest-bump, only to realize Randy isn't there) Hyeaah-huhh? Are you kidding me?! '''Ninja (as Krackenstein roars and flings objects around):''' Smoke-bomb! Hyuh! Haaaaaa! '''Students (chanting, as Krackenstein growls):''' Ninja! Ninja! Ninja! Ninja! '''Ninja (muttering to himself):' I believe in me. I believe in me. I believe in me kicking your butt. (''Krackenstein's three pairs of hands come together in three dull thuds. The Ninja utters various grunts and cries as he attacks Krackenstein, who growls throughout.) Huhhh-yah! Uuh-uh! Hyeh! Aaah! (Krackenstein's feet thud loudly as he charges the Ninja.) Ninja Block! Ninja Block! Ninja Block! Ninja Block! Ninja Block! Annnnnd Ninja Block! Eeaah! (Krackenstein falls to the ground with a final thud as the Ninja delivers a stunning flip-kick. The students cheer and whoop, and begin to chant, "Ninja! Ninja! Ninja! Ninja!") Who's gettin' pwned now? (Krackenstein's head rattles as he grunts and shifts it back into place. With a soft squelch, an arm bursts out of his chest, and decks the Ninja with a boom.) '''Ninja: WHAT?! McFist (exulting):' Secret arm! That is ''so Viceroy! (Krackenstein strikes the ground by the Ninja's head with a loud klank.) '''Ninja (as he pats himself all over):' I don't get it. I'm believing. What else could be in the suit? (''Krackenstein strikes the ground on the other side of the Ninja's head with a wham. The Ninja draws a katana from his suit with a metallic ring. Various blooping sounds emphasize the Ninja Doodles.) Ahhhh! Believe in the weapon that is in the suit. (He shears off Krackenstein's hand with a metallic slicing sound.) That makes way more sense. Ehhyaaaahhh! (The Ninja thuds feet-first into Krackenstein's chest; Krackenstein ploughs backward over the grass, growling. The Ninja's katana rings as he brandishes it.) Let's do this. (Again there is a series of thuds as Krackenstein charges, growling.) Uhheeaaaahhhhh! (The katana whirls and the Ninja makes odd cutting noises as he hacks at Krackenstein.) Jub-jub-jub-jub-jub-jub! Haa-aaah? (Krackenstein screeches to a halt; his body parts fall off in a series of squeaks and pops, and final soft expiring whir. A student audibly retches and runs off.) '''McFist (in dismay and disbelief):' NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO... (''noticing that the students are glaring at him, and altering his tone to a suspiciously overdone heartiness) way, dude! (The students' expressions alter audibly.) That was aweso-ome, ha. '''Students (chanting):''' Smoke-bomb! Smoke-bomb! Smoke-bomb! Smoke-bomb! '''Ninja (throwing one down with an explosion):''' Smoke-bomb! ''Scene 16. Outside the school, later.'' '''Randy (greeting Howard casually):''' Hey, Howard! '''Howard (peeved):''' Huh, 'dja think I'm some sort of chowder-head? '''Randy: Iiii don't know how to answer that. Howard (accusingly):''' I know what you've been up to. '''Randy: You do?' Howard: Yeah. First, you're gone, Ninja's here...and then, he's gone, and then you're here. I knooowww your secret, man. Randy: Howard, listen, I wanted to tell you...' Howard: Well, it's too late now! Yeah, I figured it all out ... With My Mind! Randy: This is such a relief! It's been killing me that I couldn't tell you. Howard (as Randy transforms into the Ninja amidst the whirling of magical sigils):' I mean, sneaking off so you can have the bathroom all to yourself because the Ninja shows up... (''gasping, as the Ninja's scarf snaps loudly at the completed transformation) Wait, you're the Ninja? MY BEST FRIEND'S THE NINJA! Oh, this is incredible! I'm gonna tell everyone. '''Randy: You can't tell anyone. Howard (miffed):' Well, ''that stinks... '''Randy: No, Howard, this stinks... (throwing down a smoke-bomb, which explodes loudly and expansively) Smoke-bomb! Howard (coughing):''' Oh... oh, man... these things smell like fart. '''Randy: You get used to it. You'd be surprised; you start liking it. END Category:Transcripts